Will power and the lack of it

I absolutely can't stand some parts of myself that are seemingly impossible to change.

For example: I do enjoy writing, although I don't do it that often, and usually I start things and never finish them. It's more of a passing interest, but I think visually, which is why writing can be difficult at times.

However, I've developed a innate skill I'll call "essay bullshit". I pale in comparison to my old roommate, who could pimp out mindless shit the night before and still rake in 80's. Essays are easy for me to write, and I can digress for pages and then find some backwards way to make it seem to connect to my original point.

But when my essays go awry, I am usually too lazy to fix it. It's not a big deal since the lowest grade I've got on an essay was 72, back in first year. My real problem is that I just don't give a shit about my own education enough to try to do well. I enjoy risking everything, for some reason this gives me a thrill that I could fail for being so damn lazy.

Example: Right now I SHOULD be doing a months worth of readings for a midterm in two days, but I'm going to go in cold and bs my way through it.

I wish I could stop, cause virtually everyone but the master himself (old roomie) says this'll bite me in the ass. This sentence works well as a transition to my actual point.

I hate it when people try and control others actions through repeated lectures. I'm not a dumbass, I heard you the first time - but it's obvious I don't care, and I've grown tired of telling people to piss off with lectures about how I go through life. If someone can't respect you and the decisions you make, and you've made it clear that you're not listening to them, they need to get over their complex and just accept you for who you are. At least it gives them the right to throw it back in your face if they ever prove themselves wrong. The point is, if I'm not at a stage in my life where I feel uncomfortable slackassing my way through my degree, why the hell is everyone bothering me about it? I mean, I get lectured from a friend that dropped out of college because she has deluded visions that everyone is attracted to her and that they will only pass her if she sleeps with them. Shouldn't you be focussing on how fucked you are instead of telling me I should try harder? Last time I checked, my marks are still high(er than yours), so shut up.

Wow, that rant got pretty personal. I'll keep it informal next time.

-Mark