Stealth: The Movie That Should Be Tossed into a Volanco

I recently sat down and subjected myself to 2 hours of visual torture - I watched Stealth.

Don't get me wrong - this COULD have been a good movie. Instead, for the first ten minutes we are greeted by ongoing explosions. Anyone with half a brain knew what we were in store for by the time the three pilots landed back on the ship. But it gets even better: We meet the characters, who are as predictable and stereotypical as ever: A black pilot named Henry Purcell (played by Jamiee Foxx) that listens to his "old-school" culture music while mixing in rap culture and of course: He's a womanizer. The other male pilot, Lt. Ben Gannon (Josh Lucas) is your tpyical "plays by his own rules" character, who takes idiotic risks and blatantly ignores his Captain's orders more than once. He's also a womanizer, because we wouldn't want originality in these characters. But there's a saving grace of predictability! If it's a team of three, and we've got a male minority, and a chauvinist male squadron leader. . . we need a female! But not just any female - she's got to be the stable, bookworm type that never does anything against regulation and never steps out of line. This character is named Kara Wade (Jessica Biel).

Of course, the audience is told the "plot": There's a new crewmember, but it's an experimental AI. Only Ben raises an objection to this, saying that war shouldn't be mechanical - the only thing I agreed with him on in the whole movie. Regardless, on the first flyout with "Eddie" the Robot pilot, they get put on an emergency mission to bomb a terrorist building.

All goes well, and then on the way back, lightning strikes Eddie, and his wiring goes haywire. What a shocking surprise. Eddie starts thinking differently, becomes obsessed with some encrypted file that doesn't exist, and on the next mission, goes insane and disobeys orders. When the three crewmembers try and stop him, everything "exciting" (see: Predictable) happens. Henry tries to take down Eddie, but instead crashes into a mountain. And while Kara is flying through that, debris catches her plane and eventually, her wing rips off, forcing her to eject and land.... in none other than North Korea. How delightfully convienent for more explosive action sequences!

Ben then is instructed to bring back the insane war mongering robot plane, which results in the explosion of a fuel blimp in one of the most gag-enducing scenes in the movie since the beginning of time. Shortly after, Eddie and Ben engage in a dogfight with two Russian fighter planes, and shoot them down. That's the last we hear about the Russians. I suppose The Russian government doesn't mind two unannounced American jets shooting down their fighter jets in Russian No-Fly Zones?

As if this movie wasn't bad enough, director Rob Cohen pushes a romance subplot in the middle of this. Ben, the chauvinist, 'loves' Kara, the good girl. And of course, she's willing to risk it all for him. Excuse me while I gag again, but that just seems too Pearl Harbour for my tastes.

I won't ruin the entire movie and tell you how it ends, but 10/1 odds you could guess without ever watching it and you would probably be right. There's more plotholes, such as why a robot plane would need music, why nobody has to face the consequences of blowing up buildings, or attacking North Korea AND Russia without explanation.

The special effects in Stealth are decent. But they are used in such cliche ways it makes it unbearable to watch. And the amount of handheld camera shots make the attempt at suspence and discomfort seem like a mockery. It also completely ruins one fight scene, where the camera shakes and pans so much the viewer can't see what's going on at all.

It seems like Rob Cohen has ran out of creative juice since The Skulls in 2000. Since then he's thrown out mindless action flicks, and Stealth is no exception. All in all, any attempt at a moral point is lost in the weak characters, terrible plot, and numerous holes. If you like feeling your IQ drop during the course of the movie, then by all means see this immediately. Otherwise, you'd get more intellectual stimulation from watching the Red Shirts die in Star Trek: TOS.

-Mark

Once again

I realized my life is a spinning web of lies. I frequently forget this, so it's like a kick to the junk everytime that realization comes back.

Just thought to let you know. At least everyone lives in their own personal lies - to themselves, telling themselves they're happy. Nobody's really happy - just not sad.

-Mark

Hey, America, do this

As a Canadian, I feel it is my duty to tell American to fix their election douchebaggery. Now it's too late to solve the last 8 years (including the years we haven't lived yet), but you can make up for it in one shot:

Click here for your 2008 Presidential Solution

-Mark

Ctrl-V

Everyone do it in the comments.

Mine:

Peter - "Our way of life is puritanism touched by orgy. French Canadians' way of life is one of orgy touched by puritanism" says:
i almost entered a grape stomping competition yesterday
Mark - One shitty season down, Sudbury to come says:
because you wanted to further destroy the shattered dignity humanity holds on to?

Classic. Your turn.

-Mark

Dear Emo Girl: Shut up.

I stumbled upon this crime of the internet today.

Since when did people feel webspace was for cluttering up with their utterly pointless, pointless lives? This is an especially bad case, where she literally tells everyone everything she damn well did. Including 11 dollars.

I mean, not only was I infatuated with how terrible it was, I was astonished someone could actually lead a life so uninteresting and still find time to bore the rest of the people that read it. Literally, some of the things written are so ridiculously uninteresting, it's hard to properly channel my rant here.. Examples:

"At least I had a good cry session twice yesterday. Was sick of people yelling. We didn't do anything at Angela and Eric's wedding so I was free to roam. Went outside and stayed away from everyone. Go anti-socialness."

"First period- was boring, we did presentations for our POW's. I think my group passed. Who knows? Found out Starr and I have a lot in common and that Chaz eats icky Power Bars.
Second period- still did nothing."

"Ack! School is sooooo stressful. I just wanted to choke a biotch. And I swear, if one more person asks if I'm going to go out with David again or if I like Julian there will be hell to pay! Do these people not understand that I have a boyfriend, whom I'm very in love with? Hmm? Do they? Apparently not. Stupid people!!"

I'll spare you all the rest of the crap, cause anyone telling people each period of their 10TH GRADE CLASSES clearly needs a life and actual friends.

I continue to read that crap because I want to laugh when her and her douchebag boyfriend split up. Yeah, that's some real "love" you had there. Of course, chances are she'll die of longwindedness before that happens.

Keeping you educated. Luckily, I've left her some handy tips on how to improve what is otherwise an internet black hole of pointlessness.

-Mark

MSN titles of file murder

I love comparing deleting files to history's greatest tragedies.

Read:

Justin says:
i think it might be time for an mp3 culling.

Justin says:
but what tragedy to name it?

Mark - Fuck it says:
Morpandy

Justin says:
mp3 hiroshima?

Justin says:
it is the anniversary, after all

Mark - Fuck it says:
Pearl Mp3

Mark - Fuck it says:
Mp3 Harbour - the day that will live in the Recycle Bin

Justin says:
hehe

Justin says:
mp3-nam

Justin says:
operation: iraqi freedom

Mark - Fuck it says:
mp3 hiroshima would be if you delete them ALL

Justin says:
hehe, true

Mark - Fuck it says:
Irap3

Justin says:
lol

Justin says:
operation mp3-freedom?
Justin says:
im doing this to liberate hard drive space

Mark - Fuck it says:
we have some insurgency in the folder known as mp3, there's a known terrorist called All American Rejects, we've got to take him down

Justin --> commencing operation mp3-freedom (0MBs liberated) says:
support the troops, bitches

Mark - Fuck it says:
there will be civilian causalities

Justin --> commencing operation mp3-freedom (0MBs liberated) says:
hahahahaha

Justin --> commencing operation mp3-freedom (0MBs liberated) says:
shit, i think some of the mp4s went to hide in the caves

Mark - Fuck it says:
We're gonna smoke em out

Cause obviously, deleting mp3s is comparable to what the states did to the middle east.

-Mark