The end of my generation, part 3: Religious Nutbag

Introduction + Part 1: Wannabe Rapper
Part 2: Emo

Religious Nutbag: You've grown up getting up early on Sunday mornings and listening to some old dude ramble about how Jesus was holy and why God would kick the fuck out of you if you didn't believe in him. You once questioned the point, but after your parents threatened you with eternal damnation, you decided everything the Bible says must be right.

You always wear a collared shirt and tuck in your pants - God demands it. The more you learn about Jesus and co, the more you realize how much better you are than everyone - but instead of just leaving it at that, you dig deeper into the Bible, ignoring reality and the changes in society. You briefly become a recluse. That fades away because you still go to Church on Sunday, which is also the only time you go outside during this part of your life.

Through your blind acceptance of customs from 2000 years ago, you realize how screwed the world is without your constant harping on the heathens. You first go out to street corners to read scripture that you wonder why it's written like a retarded kid's attempt at a poem, but regardless you read it and make many people uncomfortable. When confronted, you quote the Bible endlessly. People get into arguments that you never could have started even though you approached and criticized them first, but even though you want to throw the Bible through their head, you maintain your stature and tell them they're going to hell. They leave before you do, so you figure you've won.

Your idiotic beliefs go deeper to the point that you reject common sense and facts. The world was obviously created in 10,000 years, despite the... trillions of evidence that say otherwise. The Big Bang is a fictional tale told to people to counter your obviously and unquestionably true Bible. Because you have a hard time accepting life is pointless, God must have created you. To further close any other gaps from people with brains, God created you in his image, cause he's a self-richeous prick that wants constant thanks, despite him being all good.

Of course, as time goes on, you get out of the ses-pool of high school heathenry and get paid into University by your parents. You naturally go into theology cause studying anything else with the word science is the study of lies, and arts students are just homosexuals under a guise.

Your eyes open how tame highschool was in sin compared to reality. The TV sells sex, which appalls you - girls sleep with men.. multiple men.. without even thinking about getting married... and although you've never seen it, Brokeback Mountain is obviously directed, written, and starring the devil. Anyone that watches it is going to hell - in fact, you think that it's the first sign of the apocalypse.

You're still in your early-twenties, and you decide to launch a crusade against the evil - you use the media to sound even more insane than you already are, you stage dumbassed protests, and you beat up a hooker.. er, a girl supporting abortion. You're doing well. You graduate from theology top in your class, and hated by everyone, you stay at the church and start studying to become a priest.

This takes some time, especially with your frequent protests about why women shouldn't have rights, why gays are destroying everything including your dinner, and how pre-martial sex is the most evil thing in the world.

But something hits you that you didn't expect - there's a bunch of crazy fucks in the middle east that are just as pushy as you. You don't believe in war when it's you getting hurt, but you support bombing the shit out of them in an effort to control them. Luckily for you, God has told you he wants you to send non-believers instead of you - but he's also given you the opportunity to take away everything they need to be safe, but they didn't deserve it anyway, the heathens.

You receive strong criticism of both your war, Bible, faith, leadership, and your unwaivering ability to contradict yourself every two days. This is only a minor problem, however, cause you assume they're going to hell and go on a rampage, spreading your heavenly terror out across as much of the world as you can.

You're in your mid-30s now, and hated by everyone in the planet. Except Jesus, who's already dead. You've become a full-out Priest, and are harping your message out across the church, and the community. You've got a set of followers, who you'd gladly throw in front of a bullet to save yourself cause you're more holy, and an angry mob of devil incarnates at your door protesting all your human rights violations.

At this point, one of three things happens.

One: You confront the mob, trying to calm them down by telling them they're going to hell and you're going to heaven, but it seems to unexplainedly make them more angry. You're carried off and forced to watch your Bible dissected by facts, which you still refute. At this point, you're beaten to death. Nothing happens to your soul.

Two: You take refuge in the church for years, emerging only after people have forgotten about your stupidity. You start right up again, and are building up a following again. You hate homosexuality, but one day a class of 7-year-olds looks hot for some reason, and you convince yourself God wouldn't give you these urges if he didn't want you to do them in his name. Years pass from that exhilarating experience, but a court case is brought up, that you lose miserably cause the courts hate God. You are thrown in jail, where you're routinely forced into homosexual acts. You wonder why God has forsaken you, but still have faith this all has a meaning. A huge guy named Bubba rapes you so hard it wrecks your internal organs and you bleed internally to death, where unfortunately your cellmate is a necropheliac... things get messy, there's a riot, but you're dead already... and again, nothing happens to your soul.

Three: You go to your bishop for guidance. He rapes you.

Up next: part 4, Goth

-Mark